Letting Go

I have been eyeing him since day 1. Like a lion observing his prey or like a vulture waiting for his meal..I may sound scary but that was it all has been. I, watching him secretly and he, ignoring me. Everyday, I take that LRT ride and everyday I see him. The only thing missing everytime is that background love song. We are always seated opposite each other and never have I noticed him watching me. It gets frustrating but I really don’t mind watching him. Most days, he prefers wearing those black jeans and he hAs his favorite shirt. He seems to talk to everyone except me. I am not being paranoid but he really makes me feel like a wallflower. He is always accompanied by his talkative 6 year old sister. There is something uniquely strange about him. I feel like I know him all my life. In fact,I feel that he has this hole in his heart. There are times he just stares blankly and I would assume he is looking at me but no, he just gets lost sometimes. For all the times we go to the same route, I noticed that the sparkles in his eyes are slowly fading. Those eyes only get excited when his sister makes him laugh or when she talks to him. I even feel jealous when he touches her cheeks and get teary eyed. Isn’t he sweet? To feel that kind of love for her? There are times I feel like introducing myself but something holds me back. I was satisfied just watchimg him….After many trips, I learned why he does not talk to me….why he does not even glance…because he does not see me. NOBODY DOES. I have learned that I have been dead for a year and that the girl sitting beside him is our little angel…


          Here is the REAL deal: being pregnant is NOT easy! Yeah, I know. You probably heard this from all pregnant women but the truth of the matter is “IT IS so TRUE!” There are so many things a SINGLE woman (or a GUY for that matter) should understand. No, don’t get me wrong~~ I ain’t complaining about being pregnant but here are some things some girls should know:

      1. The first 3 months are like crazy. When I had my little Jari, everything seems normal. I wasn’t weak compared to my pregnancy now. There were times when I just want to stop eating because I don’t want to feel what comes after~~ it is like doing 100 somersaults after eating a full meal. The worst part is, you want to vomit but you can’t. The food is like stuck in your throat for an hour or so.
      2. NOT all preggy women CRAVE certain food. Thank God I am not one of those who look for specific food or my hubby would go nuts! Some women crave because they feel that they can’t function well without eating it and some just fake it so that that they can see how far hubbies would go just to please them.=)
      3. It is TRUE that most pregnant women can’t stand the smell of certain odor. When I got pregnant with my first, I didn’t like the smell of newly cooked rice nor my hubby’s then shampoo CLEAR. I had to ask him to shift to another brand…the thing is, that was the only shampoo suited for him. Unfortunately for him, he can’t resort back to it because I still get dizzy when I smell CLEAR shampoo. Hahah. Blame it on the hormones…not me! Now with my pregnancy, I do not mind smelling anything…except for brewed coffee (which I got addicted to when I wasn’t pregnant) and CLEAR shampoo. Hahah.
      4. Some pregnant women feel depressed or insecure with their body changes. I noticed the difference because when I was pregnant with Jari, I didn’t feel any insecurities. I was probably excited that I felt pretty and was always blooming. Now, I feel like I bloated, my nose is like 3x bigger, my face is huge, my fats are everywhere, my hubby probably finds me unattractive…yeah yeah…you get the gist. I know it is all crazy and nonsense but still I feel it once in a while. Thank God I have families and friends who tell me positive stuff when I complain which really really HELPED and HELPS! I didn’t and don’t ask any compliment, I just sometimes want to feel secure.
       5. Carrying the unborn child for nine months is really tough. At times, you can’t sleep because you can’t find a position that would temporarily relieve you of back pains or heartburn. When you get up, you have to turn left or right so that you will feel comfortable and come 8th/9th month, you just want to lie down all the time because of the baby’s weight.
      6. Finally, delivering the baby is the most challenging (whether CS, breech or normal delivery!) You need all the prayers and assurance you can get. It helps to have someone really close to you to be with you..the hubby would be the perfect person inside the delivery room. It is because the ONLY thing you can actually hear while you are shouting and screaming is the voice of your OB or your husband’s (or for some their mom, sister or anyone close to them).

          With all those mentioned above, being pregnant is still and will always be the BEST experience for a woman~~~ in her entire LIFE. YES. Contrary to what I said and what people have said, there is nothing comparable to the feeling of being a MOM. It is like all those worries, complaints and feelings vanish once that little tiny life is in your hands. The feeling of joy becomes triple when you see your hubby holding your angel or your parents shushing your angel’s cry. It is like all the sacrifices you made in life were returned to you 100x better and that you would feel attractive all over again.
           Personally, I can’t ask for anything more in my life. I am now 5 month pregnant and yes, I still complain once in a while BUT as I have said, I would rather feel ALL those things because once the baby’s out, inshaallah, I will BECOME yet another BLISSFUL PERSON.

25– wedding song

I think I told a story about my wedding song choice in my 7th song challenge..but if given another wedding (is that possible? I hope with the same man.LOL), i will choose this Shania’s song. It has always been in one of my choices so here it goes:

24: in loving memory…

I haven’t really thought of a song that I want to play on my funeral for two reasons: first, music isn’t allowed in our religion…I mean, when someone’s dead, it is often silent or someone’s reading the Qu’ran (unless of course the verses in the Qu’ran are sung. =D) and second, I get scared thinking of the idea of ‘death’. But for the sake of this entry and if i have the choice, songs done in instrumental style would be good. this melody would be totally cool.

23: song that makes you sad…

come to think of it..when you are sad, all songs for you sound sad. really. This song choice is one of my all time faves but I have to admit, this song makes you really sad because of its melody and the meaning just really strikes hard..especially those brokenhearted people. But as I have said, one of the bests still.=)

22: whenever I am happy…

Usually when I am happy, I don’t mind what song’s being played but for the sake of this entry, I choose this super cool song from an unknown band. This song is made famous by the Big Mountain who falls in “one-hit-wonder” group just like the band who covered this originally– the YOUNGBLOODS. What I like about this song is this:

Love is but the song we sing,
And fear’s the way we die
You can make the mountains ring
Or make the angels cry
Know the dove is on the wing
And you need not know why
C’mon people now,
Smile on your brother
Ev’rybody get together
Try and love one another right now
Some will come and some will go
We shall surely pass
When the one that left us here
Returns for us at last
We are but a moments sunlight
Fading in the grass

21: anger song.heheh.

any song from PINK is actually a feel-good song for me. I just think that her songs remove my angst away…it is like a de – stresser for me..Her songs always strike realization to young minds..There are many songs from her that are cool but from her latest album, I like this song best:

In the end, what matters is your happiness..=)

20: fave song from a fave album

here we go again..letting me choose a song from my favorite album..my oh my..how can I choose when all the songs in the album are my faves?..LOL. Anyway, earlier I was scratching my head and asking my brightest neuron to give me an answer and that neuron eventually reminded me that I should pick a song from..tananang….who else? the COLLECTIVE SOUL..yeah I know, AGAIN..but I can’t help it. I am picking this song because I LOVE the album DOSAGE from where it was part plus I love the movie SCREAM where the song was played as part of its soundtrack…and oh, the lyrics is super like too!

Life’s river shall rise and only the strong shall survive…

But I’m feeling quite weak..Will you comfort and forgive me?


19: song I wish to hear on a radio…

I love this song so much that I don’t mind if radios, TVs, LP, computers play this over and over again… I super like all its different versions too…especially Migs’ and Big Mountain’s..

17: always on radio…

Lately, I don’t have time to stay in one place and listen to the radio. It is not that I am THAT busy but I usually play songs from my playlists. Actually, it is also because my radio isn’t functioning anymore (LOL). So in this entry, I would base it on the song that I constantly hear..like on MTV channel, when  am outside or at the mall. This song really catches my approval because the lead singer of the band looks ‘astig‘ plus the song’s rhythm is cool too. So far, this is the ONLY song I heard from this group (which is also a new band) and I think their other songs too might be equally cool but I haven’t got the time to surf and download ’em.